Divorces are Damaging but Not Damning

It is never a couple’s intention to end in a divorce when they are staring into each other’s eyes exchanging marital vows on their wedding day. Nevertheless, divorce does happen. If you are married and this is your first marriage, you have about a 35% chance that you will divorce the person you are married to. In 1970, divorce rates spiked as the No-Fault Divorce laws were put into place. These laws allow a divorce without anyone being at blame in the marriage. Prior to these laws, one of four things had to be happening in a marriage for a divorce to granted by a judge. They included: abuse, adultery, abandonment, and alcoholism. If one of these four things were not taking place prior to No-Fault laws, a divorce would not be granted. But now, thanks to those laws, the marriage bond is weaker and looked at as a more temporary set up. Today, couple could get a divorce granted simply on the grounds that they are tired of each other. People who divorce once are more likely to divorce again. In addition, the children of divorced couples are more likely to divorce as well as those who choose to cohabitate prior to marriage. Cohabiters are 3X as likely to divorce after marriage.

Although a number of things could lead to a divorce, the most common issue is simply a lack of quality communication. It boils down to a couple’s ability to handle issues and problem solve together. If you are feeling neglected, communicate it. If the budget needs to be looked over, call it out. So many of the scapegoats for marriage, in truth, are simply different ways of saying a couple isn’t communicating well. When communicating, a couple needs to ensure that both partners feel loved and heard. Set your own opinions aside and place yourself in their shoes. Seek to understand them before expressing your own thoughts. Once they feel loved and listened to then express how you feel without aiming to attack. Being able to communicate can hold a marriage together through a great deal of opposition.

For example, an affair. 63% of couples, those who communicate and work things out, stay together after an affair. 70% of couples who report being dissatisfied or very dissatisfied in a marriage, if they stick it out and keep going for another 5 years, will report being satisfied or very satisfied by the end of those 5 years. In fact, 2 years after separation 70% of couples who divorced wish that they had saved the marriage instead of severing it.

 Divorce is an expensive endeavor and should never be considered rashly. The average divorce in California costs $125,000 cash within the first five years alone. Paying for an attorney, two households, commuting etc. is not a cheap lifestyle. Society makes it very easy to make a decision like this rashly. Idaho, for example, can begin and end a divorce process in roughly ten days. Even mood swings can last longer than that! Don’t let a bad week end your marriage. If a divorce is something you are considering, take time to seek for understanding and a level head. Both you and your spouse need to work through this together, for better or for worse.

In addition to the legal separation of a couple, divorce leads to 4 other separations: Economic, parental, emotional, and community. Economic, meaning finances and assets will need to be divided. Parental, referring to the separation that any children involved will inevitably experience. Emotional, referring to the cut off of an intimate relationship. Community, referring to the separation/ cut off of mutual friends, neighbors, and other shared associations. Most if not all shared ties are severed.

However, even after all of these negative statistics, you are still more likely to remain married than you are to end a marriage. The odds are in your favor! The more you put into a marriage the more you can get out because the grass is always greener on the side that you water!