Communicating in High Stress

Most of us have played the game Telephone at some point in our lives. A communication chain is formed, and a person begins the game by whispering a word or phrase into their neighbor’s ear. That person then whispers what they heard into the next neighbors ear down the chain. This process continues until the end of the chain. The last person to receive the word or phrase says it out loud. The goal is to have the word of phrase go unchanged as it is passed from person to person. Sounds simple enough, but in most cases, the message receives some thorough manipulation by the time it reaches the end destination. This is especially true if the chain is made up of a large number of participants.

Good communication is vital in a relationship. Especially in critical or rough situations. Thoughts and feelings are constantly being communicated. First, they are encoded into a medium, a form of communication, whether that be verbal or nonverbal. That message then travels, much like in the game of Telephone, to a receiver who decodes it. Unfortunately, the message sent will not always be the one received. In some situations, this can make for a humorous scenario, but in high stress or sarcastic situations, it can cause a lot of harm.

Each part of communication holds a different weight in the messages we send. The nonverbal things we say hold the most weight. Slouching, jumping, smiling, crying etc. all say thousands of words without speaking a single one. The tone we send a message with holds a lot of weight as well. It’s the tone that helps us differentiate the mood that the message is being sent in. There is a big difference between the words “Thanks a lot” spoken with a happy and chipper tone compared to those same words, “thanks a lot” being spoken with a sarcastic and mocking tone. Surprisingly, it is the words themselves that make up the least effective part of communication. Unfortunately, in today’s society, a massive amount of our communications happens through words alone. Texting, e-mails, posts, feeds, hashtags, and captions are a sorry excuse for what could be communicated between one another. And as varied as they are, emojis can’t say it all either. If words could tell us all we need to know, nobody would ever have to go in for a job interview or meet their love from their Mutual app prior to the wedding.

When in a high stress situation relationship will dramatically improve with good communication. However, when stress is high it can be easy to start reacting instead of seeking for understanding. We need to take a step back and help the other person breath so that level headed communication can take place. When people do not feel that they are cared for or understood, communication stops. Without empathy, you are simply verbally retaliating. So, to help the other person breath, you have to disarm them! Take your own defenses down, find the kernel of truth in what they are saying, and point it out to them. This required humility, and self-discipline, but is the first step to being able to communicate together in a high stress scenario. Next, Listen and reply with empathy. Acknowledge their feelings and their thoughts. Once you have disarmed them and showed them that you care about them and what they have to communicate, gently inquire. Allow them to talk things through at their own pace and encourage them to be open. Invite further thoughts and emotions. You should feel able to do the same. Following gentle inquiry comes the “I feel” statement. Let them know that “When [insert measurable event] I feel [insert emotion] because [insert valid reason]. I would like [insert requested change]”. Finally, express genuine appreciation and admiration. The defenses will come down and your relationship will be strengthened. We cannot make it about opinions and preferences. We need to truly open our ears and listen. Do not compete, communicate.