4 Family Theories!

Theories are a funny thing. They are an imperfect human's imperfect explanation of a phenomenon. Basically, they are an attempt at figuring out and putting to words how on Earth something works. Scientists are known for making them really fancy sounding yet making sense at the same time. Family "scientist" use a handful of theories when researching the family. Four specifically include; The Exchange Theory, The Symbolic Interaction Theory, The Conflict Theory, and The Family Systems Theory. Let me Explain.

The Exchange Theory, applied to relationships/family, is the idea that you only remain happy in a relationship so long as you feel you are getting out of it as much as you are putting into it. You can imagine it as an old school scale of justice. If the scale is balanced, then there is an equilibrium of happiness in the relationship. When the scale is out of balance and remains that way for too long, someone is going to want an out.  In a couple’s relationship this might look like a wife wanting a divorce because she is being abused by her spouse. In a family this could be a child packing up their oversized Mickey Mouse backpack in preparation for a run-away attempt.

The Symbolic Interaction Theory is essentially body language. Different behaviors can mean completely different things based on how you perceive them. For example, I met a guy from Colombia once. In Colombia it's completely normal to greet a person with a kiss on the cheek. I was 14. I didn't know that. So, to him, he was saying "hi". To me, I thought he was being a very forward flirt. Actually, I was 14, so I probably thought "OH MY GOSH! He likes me!", immediately after turning red. I perceived it differently than he meant it. My interpretation of his symbolic interaction with me was incorrect.

The Conflict Theory sees the world as twisted up in power trips and drama. Everyone has issues with being on top. If one parent is constantly trying to raise the children "their way" and the other is doing the same, a conflict of authority is going to arise. Parent's may find conflicts between each other, the world and their family expectations, between them and a child, etc. I think a powerful point to remember is that normally in conflict, there is a victim, but no one needs to be a victim unless they choose to be.

Family Systems Theory sees the family as a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. Think of it as a Rube Goldberg machine. One small part can domino its way with the help other parts to become something bigger than itself. Picture a lovely sunny day. You and your family members have been working hard spring cleaning. You have cleaned everything you can see and just finished lunch. The dishes went into the sink. Since you all had been working so hard you decided to clean them later. You earned a break. Dad has had a rough day at work and didn't check his emotions at the door. The first thing he notices is a sink full of dishes. He doesn't handle it gracefully. You've been working hard and don't take his scrutinizing well. This erupts into a frustrated conversation. Emotions and volume rise. Everyone is uncomfortable now. It didn't take long for that lovely sunny day to turn stormy. (Of course, Family Systems theory can also head a positive direction, this is just a more negative example.)

Family systems are driven by standards and rules. I personally think that parents should set high standards with their children but also make sure to give their children the tools they need to reach and maintain those standards. Boundaries should be clearly defined and understood. If a family system has healthy boundaries than it will have an easier time handling stress and solving problems. Boundaries can be as broad as neighborhood interactions or as narrow as where to sit at the dinner table but should always allow room to grow.

No matter the system, we have to adjust when stress comes in order to hold on. Thankfully various subsystem in the family can help. A subsystem is a smaller system within another system that serves a specific purpose. For example, my brother and I tend to serve as a comic relief subsystem when situations get tense. To wrap things up for this post, President Thomas S. Monson from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints said, "Good timber does not grow with ease. The stronger the wind the stronger the trees". We are imperfect humans, but we are stronger in family units. When we hold together when the things are tough, we will only get stronger.